Spirals

Happy Sunday Friends!

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As always, life is getting in the way of finding space to write – it’s hard to get into a routine with all the changes. I try to be the most positive version of myself at all times but it has been really hard as of late. Before the move, before the new job, & before my recent diagnosis (which I will get into), I was in a healthy & comfortable routine which now is slipping through my fingers. I’m reminded of how stressful it felt to commute over an hour each way and how resentful it feels to loose that time. More than that, I’m feeling like there is no time for me & the things I love: cooking, writing, running, meditating, personal practice, & being with my fur baby. I thought I could handle everything and just take it in stride, but sometimes, it feels like I’m spiraling.

To backtrack a bit, I was diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis at the end of June. I have long suspected I had the genetic disorder – when I was about eleven my parents were told I likely I had the disease but the diagnosis didn’t come until two decades later. So now, I have to figure out what’s going on with my body and what it means for my future offspring. I apparently can’t have children naturally & can only go the IVF route if I want to carry my own. Not to sound insensitive to mothers everywhere who’ve gone that route but I never thought it would be me – to be more specific, I’d rather adopt than put myself through the emotional and financial hardship. I’m trying my best not to worry before there is something to worry about but the brain is spiraling.IMG_1592I’m not sharing any of this to garner sympathy, in fact, that is exactly what I don’t want. I am sharing because I feel like we all keep too much shit to ourselves in an effort avoid shame and judgement. I spend a lot of my time trying to put on the face that everyone else wants to see. It is so much easier to disappoint myself than to let others down or make them feel uncomfortable.

What if we all were just a little more honest about everything we’re going through and have had to handle? What if we took down the veil and were vulnerable? It may scare the shit out of me but the more honest I am, the more I can connect with others and feel like I’m not alone.

IMG_1612.jpgBefore the pity party pours in, I had a wonderful time cooking & spending time with friends yesterday (Paella curtesy of my amazing friend Alvaro). I’m reading a bit on the train when I was able to get a seat, & I keep a gratitude journal in an effort to stay grounded and be reminded of the positives. Life can sometimes be a struggle but I am confident the moments of pain, fear, and hardship make the shining moments that much brighter. I don’t want to sugar coat my life, not anymore: I haven’t been lying or sharing ‘alternative facts’ but I don’t share the not so sunny stuff – I won’t do that anymore. Life is messy and I hope y’all are ready for it!

’til next time, keep smiling! 🙂

 

 

Wednesday Wedding Confessions

Happy Hump Day Friends!

I hope everyone is making it through the week with a smile on their face! Phil and I sat down to dinner last night and started talking about our favorite topic, the wedding. During the talk of payments, confirmations, timelines, etc.. we both looked at each other without saying a word, we knew what the other was thinking: neither of us are particularly looking forward to our wedding at this point.

Young woman experiencing headache with man on the sofa behind her

While that might sound terrible to put in writing or say out loud, I believe honesty is the best policy, so I’m not taking it back. Look, the reality is our wedding day will be amazing, and we’re both genuinely looking forward to being man and wife but this whole ‘event’ is just A LOT and we’re drained! There are less than 25 days left until we say ‘I do’ and we still have welcome bags to arrange, seating charts to do, finalizing the gifts for everyone, making sure the timeline for the day of is properly arranged, a marriage license to procure, and at least a dozen other things to get done. w2

We agreed we were not going to allow the wedding to stress us out anymore but now its not even stressful its just exhausting….which I guess is why we feel the way we do. We keep hoping/praying we’re not going to let a trivial detail ruin the day. We are terrified that all this time, money and energy from so many people will somehow/someway get ruined, so instead of being excited for what will be the happiest day of our life, we’re just dreading it. w1

In our heart we know things will work out but we can’t help but feel the way we do! I know there is no way we’re the only couple who’ve felt this way during the wedding planning process, so I wanted to put it out there for anyone who might be feeling the same!

’til next time, keep smiling! 🙂